oops accidental bonus headcanons because JEDI KNIGHT HAN SOLO, oooooops oh well too late now!
- “It’s LUCK, kid,” Han scoffs dismissively, then proceeds to grab up the lightsaber himself and turn on the training droid, then close his eyes and nail every single bolt before knocking the thing right out of the air. “Also, see that, you don’t even NEED the Force to do that.” “… perhaps, but that was the Force you just did that with,” Obi-Wan replies slowly. “What,” Han says.
- It was definitely the Force. “I AM NOT A JEDI,” Han Solo yells as he is dragged kicking and screaming into Jedi training by the power of Luke’s excitement at not being the only one suffering the indignity of getting hit in the ass by randomized droid blaster-shots, literally just that. Also Obi-Wan tells him he might be able to shave half a parsec off the Kessel Run, if he hones his Force-sense finely enough, which, well, FINE then. BUT ONLY FOR THE KESSEL RUN.
- “I have a bad feeling about this.”
- “I HAVE A VERY BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS.”
- “DID I MENTION THE BAD FEELING THAT I HAVE ABOUT THIS BECAUSE IT IS AN INCREASINGLY BAD FEELING.”
- Leia is so appalled by the state of the Jedi in this galaxy. “Sorry, sweetheart, we can’t all be bright-eyed little beacons of galactic hope,” Han says, smashing a Stormtrooper over the head with his lightsaber hilt. The blade is blue but NO ONE WOULD FUCKING KNOW, CONSIDERING HOW RARELY HE USES THE DAMN THING. Generally speaking Jedi Knight Han Solo uses his lightsaber as A) a laser cutter and B) a blunt instrument. Obi-Wan is dead and he is STILL going to die of shame on behalf of the Order.
- “WHY ARE WE ON THIS HELLISH SWAMP PLANET AND HOW DO WE GET OFF IT YESTERDAY.”
- The amount of gimer-stick whaps that Han Solo suffers has not been seen in the galaxy since Yan Dooku was a snotty little baby padawan who couldn’t be assed to pay attention to anything not saberplay for more than fifteen seconds at a time.
- Lando takes one look at Han Solo holding a lightsaber and laughs for TEN THOUSAND YEARS. Chewbacca is like THANK YOU, AT LAST SOMEONE ELSE SEES THE FUCKING HILARITY OF THIS SITUATION, THANK YOU, CALRISSIAN.
- “Dark Side my fine Corellian ASS, I’ll show you the fucking DARK SIDE, YOU PIECE OF BANTHA SHIT, LET ME AT HIM–”
OH MY FUCKING GOD, THIS IS GOLD!!!!
FROM THE AFTERLIFE, OBI-WAN IS FACEPALMING AND MOURNING THE FATE OF THE JEDI
ANAKIN SKYWALKER, FIRMLY DEAD AND FIRMLY LIGHT, IS LOVING EVERY FUCKING MOMENT OF HAN SOLO, JEDI KNIGHT!!! HE BRINGS PADME STORIES OF THEIR ADORABLE AND BADASS KIDS AND THEIR STUPID, HILARIOUS BOYFRIEND WHO USES HIS LIGHTSABER AS A FUCKING GLORIFIED CUTTING TORCH!!!
“But which one of them is dating Solo?”
“WHO CARES, I WANT TO ADOPT HIM!!”
Look as far as Anakin is concerned, he DESERVES a son-in-law like Accidental Jedi Knight Han Solo, okay, yes he murdered a lot of people and children and planets over the years, but HE STILL DESERVES THIS GIFT. He doesn’t give a fuck which kid marries him as long as at least ONE does. Both is good too, though, that’s like INSURANCE.
Probably the only thing that Anakin really regrets is not having had the opportunity to have Han as his Padawan. THINK OF THE MAYHEM THEY COULD HAVE UNLEASHED UPON THE GALAXY. THINK OF THE KESSEL RUNS THEY COULD HAVE MADE.
“Listen,” Force Ghost Anakin says urgently, “listen to me, kiddo, LISTEN. Let’s talk.”
“You are literally Darth Vader,” Han says, squeezing his eyes shut in an attempt to ignore the glowy blue not-actually-twentysomething creeper lurking behind him in the cockpit. “Are you–are you trying to seduce me to the Dark Side or something here, is that what’s happening here?”
“Hahahaha no, holy fucking Force, you have MET Leia, right? I want to LIVE.”
“… you’re already dead?”
“Again: you have MET Leia, right?”
“Fair. So, uh–is this the shovel talk, then?”
“Hell no, this is the ELEVEN POINT FIVE PARSECS talk.”
“… alright, FINE, I’m listening.”
…Anakin promptly starts teaching Han all the GOOD tricks. You know, the stuff that Jedi Council officially frowned on. The little things. About Force-assisted Sleight-of-hand, the Jedi Mind Trick (NO ONE had dared to teach Han the Jedi Mind trick. Obi-Wan refused to do it. Yoda whapped him with his gimmer stick. Luke was AHAHAHAHA NO. Anakin taught Han the Jedi Mind Trick and unleashed him on the universe), how to hold your ship together with duct tape and sheer willpower, that kind of thing.
…Han Solo is now kinda unofficially Anakin Skywalker’s latest (last?) padawan. Han: FML.
What? Luke gets a glowy ghost Jedi as a mentor, it’s only fair that Han gets one as well! They’re currently plotting an eleven point five parsecs Kessel Run, and they’re damn sure they can get a betting pool going…
Tag: this keeps getting better
today at work i let someone into a dressing room and they said “thanks” and half of me tried to say “you’re welcome” and the other half tried to say “no problem” and i ended up saying “your problem”
this post had me in tears
I was hoping the notes would be full of similar stories, but they’re not, so I’ll add my story for anyone else looking for more laughs:
I had to go to a library to pay a fee and I was practicing in the car between “I have to pay a fine” and “I have to pay a fee” and I walked in and firmly stated “I have to pee” and slapped a five dollar bill on the counter (the fee was like ten cents), and walked out. This was like three years ago and I still haven’t been back,
My friend was driving and we were almost past our turnoff so I tried to say “quick” and “fast” at the same time and I ended up screaming “QUACK” which ended up with him judging me very hard and missing the turn
Recently someone in class asked me how I was doing and I started off saying I was good but switched to I’m okay in the middle and ended up saying “I’m gay.”
Which, while kind of accurate, was not what I meant to announce to my classmate.
This Halloween I was handing out candy and a child said “trick or treat” and I smiled gave them their candy and apparently my mouth betrayed me and I said “Merry Christmas” and proceeded to sit down and look up to the sky for answers while their mother laughed at me :)))))
I was switching between “Bye Deanna” and “Goodbye” and I ended up saying “Go Die”
Sometimes I try to say “I fucking love you” but it comes out in the wrong order and then everyone’s uncomfortable.
When I first started my coffee shop job, I was still getting used to greeting customers as they came in the door. A man walked in, and in the jumble of trying to say, “How are you doing?” and “What’s up?” I ended up demanding “What are you doing here?!”
something really cool happened once at the office and i started to say “i’m so amazed” but halfway through my mind changed to “that’s really amazing” and i just ended up saying “i’m really so amazing”
one time i was out in the woods in the spring when the birds were just beginning to come out again and i went to say “i’m so pumped for the birds” and “i’m so hyped for the birds” and instead i said “i’m so humped for birds”
Meg's Mumbles 