omg please someone do a full length very secret diary of Joji

parrotsinlondon:

You know what I’d like to read some day?

Joji’s memoir.

Because he has GOT to know so much shit on everybody. All t, all shade.

“Day 200. St. Augustine.
Dufresne thinks he can do the job of captain, now that his balls have dropped, Bates is dead and Billy is potential mermaid. Uses sword right- -side-up one time and suddenly thinks he’s Francis Drake. Actual Captain pretend moping but scheming with oily curl. Low on entertainment so will wait and see.”

“Day 202. The sea???
Betsy bit Silver. Revenge over terrible food most likely. Captain rubbing beard at 30 second intervals. Scheme implementation imminent.”

“Day 367. Freeport.
Captain looking at the Quartermaster like the sun shines out of his arse. Again. Gay.
Speaking of, need to ask Silver about his hair care routine. May have good tips.
Heard Billy tell Ben one day he’ll be Captain and then Flint will see. Then he bumped his big giant head into a beam that’s always been there. Not holding my breath for that one.
Am considering removing soul patch. Look ridiculous with all the bushy beards around here. Everyone sporting full muff on their face now, to show how tough they are. Pathetic.
Sword number two looking bent in weird shape. Concerning.”

“Day 549. Becalmed.
Do not understand why we are not allowed to eat the dairy goat. We are starving. How is that goat still alive???
DeGroot says she is officially married to one of the crew members and pirate law prohibits the murder of fellow matelot.
Have decided to eat Muldoon instead. Small, manageable, already dead. Not too much hair. Will convince crew I found hidden salted pork, where no one looked before. The things I do for them. Am too good for this crew.”

“Day 700. Nassau.
Am now fully convinced Captain stealing Quartermaster’s youth this whole time, in nefarious plan to remain immortal. Long, loving stares must be doing it. They are starting to look like a before and after pic. Ginger beard never looked more luscious. Am sticking with Captain. Sword number one looks sad though.”