complaininginthedark:

I saw this post by @comtessedebussey and was inspired. There is Angst and Feelings ahead so be warned this is not really a Happy fic.

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“Perhaps my lack of education is showing.”

It was those words, that look on the lieutenant’s face that were his downfall. From that very moment Thomas knew he would never be quite the same. Never mind that it had been the first time he’d seen the man; that was it. 

When he returned home that afternoon and Miranda had asked how it had gone, he walked into their rooms like he was in a dream. He knew she was worried, asking questions, but what could he say? ‘Yes Miranda I’m fine, but I think I’m half in love with a man I’ve only just met and frankly that terrifies me.’

Yes! That would go well with the venison at dinner. 

Instead he simply said he was fine, the meeting had gone well and no doubt she would meet the man herself soon. Miranda kissed him, soft and lingering as she always did, and left him to change his clothes in peace. 

After meeting him at the dockyard Miranda had commented that Lieutenant McGraw was a man with ‘strong bearing and a romantic heart’. 

“And how do you know that?” He asked with a smile, thinking on the liason’s penchant for cynical reasoning and pessimistic argument. 

“I looked into his eyes.”

Thomas looked into James’ eyes the next time they met and found his heart pounding. James held himself stubbornly straight when standing, but when sitting he relaxed. His knees spread out a bit and he curved his body. Thomas thought he looked like a tragic hero from some long ago fable; his eyes staring off into the middle distance, chin resting on one hand and body listing to the side…

He imagined the strong muscles beneath those clothes, the toughened and sea-hardened body of a sailor, a man who rose to his position instead of simply buying it. His blood heated and he had to look away lest James see his desire plainly on his face. 

Love in Thomas’ world was more dangerous than war, at times. A man of his particular perversions was apt to be killed, hanged for his preferences regardless of his standing or contribution to society. So when James was in his shirtsleeves and his cheeks were red with wine and laughter, Thomas kept to his side of the desk and dug his nails into his thigh. 

Then Miranda and James became lovers. A finer pair was impossible to imagine but Thomas couldn’t help the pangs of bitter and painful jealousy that struck at his heart. 

He listened to their quiet conversations in the hallway, and heard the muffled sounds of their lovemaking from his bed some nights. And he ached. Oh how he ached… His cock ached with his need to see, to touch, to feel and to taste. His heart, however, ached only to share breath with James. He wanted more than anything just to hear his name come from those beautiful lips, whether as a whisper or a moan he did not care. 

Miranda noticed. She knew, he saw the concern in her eyes as it developed and felt a flash of anger when she asked if he wanted her to stop. 

“And what would that do except make you miserable? Your husband, a man who can’t even please you as he should, has fallen in love with your lover! Oh what a tale, what a- a fucking tragedy it all is!” He slumped in his chair and couldn’t bring himself to look at her. “I can’t bear the thought of hurting you, but I- I can’t… I can’t say I’m not jealous. But if you love him, love him. Just because I can’t doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.”

His voice had become a whisper. A husk of pain and half held back tears. 

Miranda came to his side and lay a hand on his shoulder. She curved an arm around his neck and kissed his hair as the sobs rose in his throat and spilled like saltwater from his mouth. 

She held him as he wept, and he loved her even more in that moment for her acceptance of him.