some oddly specific advice from Hesiod (c700 BC)
which thicc girl hurt you (and stole your grain)
Looking up makeup tutorials for How To Paint Pretty Symbols on Your Own Ass (To Look Like The Slayer of Men and Deceitful Acquirer of Grain That You Really Are Inside)
This has to be some kind of ancient euphemism for what we would now call a gold digger, but it’s so much more…colorful.
The birth of a child was not normally recorded unless the child’s mother was entitled to draw a ration, but occasionally an interesting occurrence would force the baby’s presence on someone’s attention. ‘This day the surgeon informed me that a woman on board had been laboring in childbirth for twelve hours,’ Captain W.N. Glascock recorded in an early nineteenth-century log, ‘and if I could see my way to permit the firing of a broadside to leeward, nature would be assisted by the shock. I complied with the request, and she was delivered of a fine male child.’ The spaces between the broadside guns were a preferred location for a woman in labor and gave rise to the saying ‘son of a gun.’
Meg's Mumbles 