it’s ninety-nine degrees outside, four fuck-thousand percent humidity, and my husband was like, “i’m gonna go for a bike ride.” and i was like “why. no. why. don’t put us on the news like that. local fool collapses on unnecessary journey. don’t do it.” so he says he doesn’t want to “hide in the house” because the sun is shining. bruh. honeybruh. “the sun is shining” does not cover it. its hot outside. its motherfucking hot as fuck outside. our outdoor plants have been crying into their hands all week. whole cars are melting into the sewer. our fucking patio umbrella developed sentience to ask me for lemonade this morning
@robotmango, you need to work for the weather forecast – this was both hilarious and so vivid it made me stand up and get some iced tea.
this is a great idea, thank you. here goes. my audition tape for the weather channel. dearly beloved. we are gathered here today to have a fucking funeral for the outdoors. it had a good run, with all its creeks and clouds and shit. pretty great. now it’s ten-thirty at night but still ninety-two asshole-sweating degrees and humid as fuck. everything is hot and slimy, like being a “borrower” that got trapped inside a bottle of shampoo and then accidentally microwaved. you can see on my doppler radar that nothing is moving around out there because everything is probably dead. the only alive thing is the mosquito currently trying to drill a hole in my leg. no surprise that all the shitbag mosquitos are fine, since the thermostat of hell is always at the devil’s preferred temperature. this forecast has gotten away from me a little, but in conclusion fuck the sun
This is not in fact a shit eating grin. There’s a distinct misunderstanding between humans and dogs when it comes to body language. The bearing of teeth in this fashion may resemble the smug smile of a human but is actually a showing of submission and shame as a response to the owner’s tone or aggressive body language. Additionally, it is unclear that this dog has properly associated this circumstance as causally related to chewing this remote. Dogs have very particular social memory when it comes to what they did, so a dog may act “well-behaved” when the human is around but “act out” when the human is gone even if they “know” what behavior is bad. To top it off, they are conditioned best when the action that they’ve done is immediately followed by a reward or punishment. Given too much time, if the offending dog ate the remote but was punished hours later, even with the presence of the destroyed remote it may be unclear to the dog what aspect of the remote was punishable. The action may be long forgotten which can lead to confusion and anxiety as the dog won’t understand what went wrong.
So, given all that you may still be asking why Disgusting Animals would be defending this canine?
Based on the shape of the bite marks and specific targeting of that section, I have to conclude that this dog didn’t chew that remote. Given these peculiarities and the unique shape of those teeth prints, the evidence points to only one possible suspect.
Jared Leto
@disgustinganimals I braved the google image search results for “leto joker” all to try to repair this innocent dog’s reputation. Please accept this piece of revised history showing the true villain here:
The truth is horrifying and I almost pooped my trousers because of this thanks
today at work i let someone into a dressing room and they said “thanks” and half of me tried to say “you’re welcome” and the other half tried to say “no problem” and i ended up saying “your problem”
this post had me in tears
I was hoping the notes would be full of similar stories, but they’re not, so I’ll add my story for anyone else looking for more laughs:
I had to go to a library to pay a fee and I was practicing in the car between “I have to pay a fine” and “I have to pay a fee” and I walked in and firmly stated “I have to pee” and slapped a five dollar bill on the counter (the fee was like ten cents), and walked out. This was like three years ago and I still haven’t been back,
My friend was driving and we were almost past our turnoff so I tried to say “quick” and “fast” at the same time and I ended up screaming “QUACK” which ended up with him judging me very hard and missing the turn
Recently someone in class asked me how I was doing and I started off saying I was good but switched to I’m okay in the middle and ended up saying “I’m gay.”
Which, while kind of accurate, was not what I meant to announce to my classmate.
This Halloween I was handing out candy and a child said “trick or treat” and I smiled gave them their candy and apparently my mouth betrayed me and I said “Merry Christmas” and proceeded to sit down and look up to the sky for answers while their mother laughed at me :)))))
I was switching between “Bye Deanna” and “Goodbye” and I ended up saying “Go Die”
Sometimes I try to say “I fucking love you” but it comes out in the wrong order and then everyone’s uncomfortable.
When I first started my coffee shop job, I was still getting used to greeting customers as they came in the door. A man walked in, and in the jumble of trying to say, “How are you doing?” and “What’s up?” I ended up demanding “What are you doing here?!”
something really cool happened once at the office and i started to say “i’m so amazed” but halfway through my mind changed to “that’s really amazing” and i just ended up saying “i’m really so amazing”
one time i was out in the woods in the spring when the birds were just beginning to come out again and i went to say “i’m so pumped for the birds” and “i’m so hyped for the birds” and instead i said “i’m so humped for birds”
Once I was walking to school and there was a guy walking his dog and the dog came to me and started sniffing me and I was in such a good mood and when I passed by his owner I wanted to say like “hello” or “good morning” or “cute dog” or something like that and I ended up looking up at him, smiling real big, and saying “thank you”.
I was at the convenience store and I was going to buy a drink, but i dropped my keys and the drink when I got to the register so I got caught between “my drink!” and “my keys” and ended up screaming “MY KINK.”
I walked up to this register,in a target. When the cashier finished checking me out she said have a good day, and i wanted to say “You have a good day” and “You too” so it came out “You have a good do do”
I FUCKIN H HIT MY HEAD ON A CHAIR FROM LAUGHING TOO HARD AT THIS FUCKING POS T
This post is too good. I once tried to say have a nice day or have a good day to a customer and said ‘Have a nude gay!’. Still haven’t recovered.
OOC: i get really used to working nights or days at my work so i’m often jumbled between “have a nice night” and “have a good day” so often it comes out as “have a nice neigh” or “have a good date” or occasionally even “have a night die”
When I interviewed for my lab position I tried to ask how much I would have to handle the mice and rats but I was nervous so I actually said “rice and mats” instead
1. When spelling a word, use any letter order that comes to mind which is relatively close to the pronunciation. It is perfectly acceptable to spell a word three different ways in the same paragraph.
2. Randomly replace the letter ‘j’ with the letter ‘i’, particularly when it comes at the beginning of a word. So, ‘juice’ becomes ‘iuce’ (You can drop the second ‘i’ because of the spelling rule – see #1. Or you can not. I have also seen it written ‘iuice.’)
3. Likewise the letter ‘w,’ replaced with two v’s: ‘vv.’
4. Ditto the letter ‘s’ with a letter that looks mostly like ‘f.’ Do this in the same way as rule # 2 – ‘s’ is often replaced by an ‘f’ when it is at the beginning of a word. You should also change it when there are two s’s together in a word. In this case, the first ‘s’ is written like an ‘f’ and the second is written like an ‘s.’ Like: ‘fucsefs.’ (That is not a swear word, it is written that way to keep people on their toes.)
5. If you are tired of writing a word because it’s long or you’ve already written it before, feel free to superscript the last letter that you feel like writing. For example, you can write the word ‘attitude’ as ‘attitu.’ (You can further convert it into 17/18th c. speak using rule #1: ‘atatu.’ This makes it really, really period correct.)
6. Sprinkle Latin phrases in occasionally. Misspell and abbreviate them for best effect. (Note: this may just be in the surgical manuals. Common folks probably couldn’t write in Latin. Actually, common folks probably couldn’t write at all.)
7. In place of ‘etc.’ always, always use ‘&c.’ (This is also mondo cool.)
8. Randomly italicize words. For example, some authors always italicize locations, foreign phrases and things like ‘&c.” Many italicize these words at some times, but not others. Some don’t italicize them at all.
9. Occasionally run the letters ‘o’ & ‘e’ together in the Latin fashion to form ‘œ’ as well as running ‘a’ & ‘e’ together to form ‘æ.’ The ‘æ’ is more common than the ‘œ.’ It often appears at the beginning of words that have no reason to have one or the other letters, which looks like ‘Æ.’ So you might decide to say, “Æ ate eht pices of pi” or ” I æte eyt peeces of pye.” However, don’t overuse this because ” Æ æte æyt pæces of pæ” just looks silly.
10. Make some of the words ending with an ‘ess’ sound positively biblical by adding ‘eth’ to the end of them. So, for example, ‘suffice’ becomes ‘sufficeth’ or (even better) ‘sufeyceth.’
11. Some authors use apostrophes, others didn’t. Many used them, but not correctly and certainly not consistently. So feel free to randomly toss some apostrophes into your text as the mood suits you. (Which is not all that different than the way many people do it today. Your author included. Ahem.)
12. If you want to change to the opposite meaning of a word, throw an ‘un’ at the beginning of it. For example, if you wanted to talk about someone not wearing a cloth, you could write ‘He unwore the cloath.’
13. A hard ‘c’ is clearly weak, so you should proabably give it some support. Add a ‘k’ to it or even a ‘ke’ if the ‘c’ looks like it might be vulnerable. ‘Attic’ is pretty wimpy, so you would want to write it as ‘Atticke.’
14. Ditto words ending in ‘e.’ Throw an extra ‘e’ on occasionally in case the the first one gets lost. This is especially true in small words like ‘be’ (change to ‘bee’) ‘me’ (change to ‘mee’) and ‘he’ (change to ‘hee’).
15. In fact, just go ahead and throw some ‘e’s at the end of other words that don’t need them for any reason when the mood strikes you. It would be perfectly acceptable to write the word ‘surgeon’ as ‘surgeone.’ (Of course it would also be acceptable to write it as ‘chiurgion,’ so that may not be the best example of this rule.)
a cunning thief who grew up in an orphanage cares only about money until he finds a new dream in a beautiful, isolated individual who is incredibly dedicated to their cause and has magical shiny hair that is cut off later in the story
am I talking about tangled or black sails we just don’t know :^)
Silverflint AU | Captain Flint meets Captain Flint Silver borrows the parrot from the brothel with the sole purpose of annoying Flint, and ends up befriending her. But Silver’s plan to annoy Flint backfires spectacularly when the parrot begins to spill all of Silver’s rather… private thoughts.
So I was cleaning out my laptop and I found this video that I made ages ago (as you can tell by the only episode 1 footage), and I thought, what the hell, some of you might enjoy this as much as I did.
Everything is improved when you add Disney. Clearly. You’re welcome.
Meg's Mumbles 