So this morning I jumped in the shower and decided to wash my hair. I have very long and curly hair that reaches midway down my back. However, once its wet the curls straighten out and my hair almost reaches my bum.
So hair is wet, shampooing done and I just need to rinse. I tip my head back and flip my hair over my shoulder ala shampoo adverts everywhere. And feel something brush against the top of my bum. Being the mature and logical gal I am, I came to the one and only possible conclusion.
Spider
With a scream a howler monkey would be proud of, boobs flying and looking like some sort of demented mermaid, I attempted to flee the shower stall. And promptly acquired a new skill; the ability to do the splits.
This in itself was a spectacular feat of physics as there isn’t actually enough room in my bathroom for a toddler to do the splits, never-mind a 5’9" half drowned rat. As a result, when my leading foot came into contact with the toilet pedestal my body was launched back along the floor towards the shower. This left me wedged between the toilet and the shower tray.
Where I was abruptly bitch-slapped by the shower door.
One trip to A&E later and I have a sprained ankle, a fractured ankle, two broken toes, a beautiful rainbow of bruises in some interesting places and a partridge in a pear tree.
TL, DR: Upon learning that my hair now reaches my bum I; preformed gymnastics worthy of Rio, made the laws of physics my bitch and took a guided tour of the local hospital.
Another fuck up in the updates…
Tag: funny
every time i see black sails stuff on my dash i just picture the show exactly the same but the characters quoting lines from the office. so silver is sitting there saying, “would i rather be feared or loved? easy, both. i want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” probably because that’s exactly what he said, but yeah
I’M SCREAMING OH MY GOD THIS IS AMAAAAAAAZING
when flint realizes that silver betrayed him and stole his gold: “wELL WELL WELL…HOW THE TURNTABLES…”
flint when he’s trying to read and the crew is being ridiculous: [massaging temples] “there’s too many people in this world. we need a new plague.”
and the show being exactly the same but the characters quoting lines from the office is AMAZING but also!!! ALSO!!!! how about……….just taking the characters and plopping them down into The Office universe completely as they are and leaving them to their devices
AKA the characters of black sails just being perpetually confused by/frustrated by an office environment and the presence of a camera
max making the most sales bc she’s the smartest and knows people and can turn on the charm and form good relationships. WHO WOULD BE RECEPTIONIST?!?! BILLY MAYBE?!?!? because everyone loves him and he’s like The Glue™ of the office and he always has candy at his desk. billy would tell flint someone is on the phone and flint would be like “are they straight” billy: “idk” flint: “ask. if they are I am not here” billy: “but-” flint: “I AM NOT HERE BILLY”
jack: [trying to go to the bathroom and read his newspaper peacefully]
camera: [popping up]
jack: fOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! A MOMENT’S PEACEanne looking right into the camera and scowling from beneath her hat until it goes away. eleanor telling it to “fuck off.” max just walking by it without a second glance because she has PLACES TO BE and STUFF TO DO.
silver walking up to the camera unsolicited and like, giving daily updates on how he’s feeling about flint. omg THIS WOULD BE HIS DREAM. SOMETHING THAT WILL JUST LISTEN TO HIM TALK ABOUT FLINT NONSTOP WITHOUT BEING ABLE TO ROLL THEIR EYES AT HIM. HE WOULD INTERRUPT OTHER PEOPLE’S COMMENTARIES AND JUST START TALKING ABOUT FLINT.
silver about believing in flint/flint being a God™: [chuckling] “I’m not superstitious………but I’m a little stitious”
I’m going to be thinking about this all damn day omg THANKS ANON
Defeating capitalism can’t be that hard. How much HP does it have?
the World Boss Capitalism has 1,951,484 hp, but it also has a companion boss called The State and that boss has 2,487,313 hp and if you don’t get them both to 0 at about the same time they just start spamming shields & heals on each other & The State starts using OHKO attacks on your entire group
Damn, that must be why Marx recommends a party.
We’d have finished this raid by now if SOMEONE didn’t keep splitting the party
Fourth International, rushing in alone: “LEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOON TRRROOOOOTSSKKKYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!”
The weirdest town names in all 50 US states.
Related: Places in Norway named after Hell
tag yourself im skiddy
Speaking of Pinboard and Delicious today, one of the things that Delicious facilitated was being able to bookmark your own fanfic, then click a little link next to the bookmark and see all the comments and tags of other people who had bookmarked the same URL.
So I sometimes checked on particularly new or controversial fanfics of mine, and I once found that someone had bookmarked a fanfic with “Good, but no werewolves.” Since this was a House MD fic, and not an AU, like, no werewolves had been implied, I was a little perplexed.
I shared this strange review with @junietwohundred, who is much wiser and more cynical in the ways of fandom than I am, and she said “Look at the rest of their bookmarks. I bet I know what you’ll find.”
Sure enough, this person had like…four hundred bookmarks, all rating every fic they had bookmarked on the presence or absence of werewolves. None of the comments were nasty or mean, it was just fanfic after fanfic – “Not enough werewolves.” “Excellent werewolves.” “Interesting new werewolf ideas.” “Werewolves are background only.”
It was one of the most magnificently niche reccslists I’ve ever seen. I salute you, werewolf archivist, wherever you may be. I hope the werewolf tag on AO3 is constantly bustling for you.
”Dafuq was that?”
Baron Vaughn (x)
I’ve never seen such an appropriate font change in a gif set.
The “hello” part is even better!
Things That Happened On My First Day At Target
-Sold lingerie to an eighty year old woman
-Got a free salted caramel frappacino from the suspectedly gay barista, Parker
-Sold a bra to the mom of a sixteen year old girl who was cringing the entire time
-Had a very engaging conversation with a three year old boy about colors. We both like blue.
-Served an old woman who I thought had an impressive mustache, but it was just nose hair
-Watched her and two other women with her get trapped between two sets of automatic doors because they did not understand how to open them. How they got through the first set, I still do not know.
-Sold fifteen gallons of kitty litter to a soccer mom who refused to break eye contact
-Got a second free starbucks drink. This one was a pumpkin pie one that wasn’t even on the menu. I like this barista man.
-Gave dozens of children stickers. Several of them squealed when they got them. This is the best part of my job.
-Sold an old man $200 of furniture and got him to sign up for a Target credit card. Before he finished the last step, he turned and walked away with his cart without a word.
-He still hadn’t paid. I called him back and he apologized, saying “sorry, sometimes my diabetes makes me do that.” He didn’t finish getting the card.
-A woman came up with $220 of items. After a wad of coupons and a stack of free gift cards from other promotions, her total went down to $55. I want her to teach me.
-Saw a girl skipping down the aisle in what can only be described as a pink princess fairy wedding dress. She was filled with happiness and if I hadn’t been on the clock I would have taken her. At the very least, I want that outfit for my own.
-Got approached by a large man named Jason. He told me not to steal. I will take this advice to heart.
-Met a woman referred to only as The Cat Lady. She asked if I wanted her to buy me a keychain from Ross. I told her I had no keys. She nodded solemnly and walked away, whispering their exact location inside Ross, just in case.
-Got called into the HR Head’s office at the end of my shift. I was expecting to be yelled at for some reason. She and another lead showered me in compliments for ten minutes straight, saying a lot of managers had been saying great things about me all day. Not what I expected, but I’ll take it.
Day Two:
-Intimidating farmer man in overalls and pigtails came through my checkout. He bought a bucket. He spoke no words. He made no eye contact. He left me with questions.
-Three college boys came through, each buying spandex and makeup wipes. They spoke no words. They made too much eye contact. They left me with more questions. I question when this job will provide answers.
-A three year old came through, pushed by his personal chauffeur. He bought one small Spider-Man onesie. He carried out the entire transaction on his own. He was the most polite customer I have had so far.
-Three people walked away without their change. Only two returned.
-A man bought thirty light bulbs with a coupon. He told me he did not need thirty light bulbs. He just likes coupons.
-He then walked to customer service, claiming to have returned several things he did not mean to. He then walked a lap around the store and left. He did not leave the store with his light bulbs. They were nowhere to be found.
-A customer came through looking nervous. She leaned over the counter. She whispered to me. Someone had pooped in the baby supplies aisle. All evidence pointed to it not being a baby.
Day Three:
-Two children came through the line. They were chanting to their mom through heavy streams of tears. “WE WANT STICKERS MOMMY.” There were no stickers at any of the registers. They continued crying. I failed my people.
-An old woman bought five bottles of wine and a large bottle of vodka. Her license told me she had lived through World War II. Her smile told me she was still living.
-I sorted through the candy in the checkout lanes. I was meant to set aside candy that had expired in the last month. A box of Kit Kats was found that had expired in February of 2015. One was missing. I hope the poor sap is okay.
-Clearance school supplies have arrived. A man bought 71 spiral notebooks for $6. A woman bought 110 folders for $4. I hope they meet each other. I would like to see the child of two math problem characters.
-A bearded man named Rusty came through. I sold him a bottle of Crystal Light powder and a gallon of water. The powder was empty. The water jug had an inch of pink water left in it. How long has he been inside the store already. His beard intimidated me too much to ask.
-An elderly man in a fedora pushed two full carts into my lane. They were both filled to the brim. He bought 52 12-packs of Mountain Dew. 12 were diet. He repeatedly told me he was 80 years old. As I handed him his receipt, he leaned in and whispered, “I’m going to get DRUNK.” He pointed at his carts, smiled at me, and scurried away with his definitively alcoholic purchase. I wonder if he knows. I wonder if he cares.
Day Four:
-The store is having a 10% off your entire purchase sale. I have a coupon to scan if anyone asks for it. I scan it if people don’t ask for it if they’re nice to me. I don’t scan it if they’re rude. Power is a new sensation. Power is a good sensation.
–
Because of the sale, we have been flooded with guests itching for a bargain. When I need to go on my break, the manager has to stand in front of the line and tell people to go somewhere else. As the line died down, I prepared to leave. A new wave of people approached. She whispered to me “run as soon as you can.” I did not see her after my break.
-An old man comes through the line and loudly announces that “this is a cash thing. No cards!” His clarity is appreciated, but also questioned.
-A young man follows him. He jokes, “this is a card thing. No cash!” His smile shows he was a kind man. His joke shows he was a dad.
-A confused teenager follows after. He whispers, “……….cash”. He thinks he has to announce his payment type. I do not correct him.
-Children continue to handle their own transactions. This makes my day good. One girl had her own wallet and told me “thank you for your help, sir”. This makes my day great.
–
Five hours into my shift, I discover small figurines of Bambi and Pluto behind my register screen. Knowing that I am experiencing the happiest place on earth for a bargain price is nice.
-A customer purchased hard salami. The store sells a product called hard salami. How anyone can work or shop here with a straight face remains beyond me.
-A small girl waits in the cart as her mother pays for her transaction. She decides she had enough. She shouts, “Let me out of here!” She attempts to leave the cart. She realizes the walls are too tall. She sits down and accepts her fate with a shocking level of grace.
-A grown man sees a coloring book on a shelf. He calls after his wife, who has already walked away. “There’s a coloring book here. This is just pitiful.” No one has any response for this.
-I met a man who looked like Harry Potter if, instead of getting out of the cupboard at age eleven, he stayed in there for fifteen more years with nothing but Red Bull and My Chemical Romance albums.
-A woman gets 69 cents back in change. I know that I will likely get reprimanded if I make a 69 joke to a customer. I do not speak to the customer any further. I am trying to decide if it is worth losing my job or not.
-A little girl in basketball shorts kicks the candy rack multiple times. I expect her to turn around and show that she is throwing a fit. Instead, she seems calm and please. She is having the time of her life. I look forward to seeing where life takes her.
-A child in my lane gets a toy. A child in the next lane yells at him for having a toy when he does not. Toy-having child prepares to throw the toy at toy-lacking child. Parents pick up their respective children. Thus ends the Baby Feud of 2016.
Day Five:
-I open my register. An octogenarian woman approaches. She purchases bras and lingerie. I cry on the inside. It is too early for these images.
-A small girl helped me put her parents bags into their cart. Every time I hand her a bag, she digs through it, announcing which things are hers and which are her parents, and putting her parents’ items in the cart without the bag. They did not earn the bag and she treats them accordingly.
-A group of old people came on a field trip to Target and spent ten minutes discussing the new Jungle Book movie before buying a copy. Their reviews were overwhelmingly positive and gleeful.
-The DVD ran $18.94. The group banded together, pulling out every coin they could find to ensure they gave me exact change. They must have had ten dollars in coins between them. The strength of their teamwork inspired me. The depth of their pockets confounded me.
-A fly flew directly into my nostril before bouncing around and making a swift exit. I was more impressed by its aim than bothered by its decisions.
-A woman seemingly stepped out of the 19th century prairie to purchase a frappucino. I think her dress was handmade. Her head scarf still had a price tag.
-An old couple came through my lane to purchase gardening tools. Anytime one of them turned their back to the other, they would be tickled without warning or mercy. I believe I have just had a glimpse into my future.
-A very angry old man pulled two full carts through. He purchased a Twix bar, a bottle of Diet Pepsi, 36 pairs of underwear, and 262 adult diapers. I believe I have just had another glimpse into my future.
So, You Must Talk to the Woman Who is Wearing Headphones
by Alexandra Petri [x]
So it has come to this.
You must speak to the woman who is wearing headphones.
I am so, so sorry.
You must pray that she is single and looking and will wish to hear your words.
It is not enough for her to be single
She must also be looking, or there is no hope for you.But you already know this.
You have seen what happened to the other men who tried to speak.
The whole Panera is littered with what remains of the men who came before you.
They tried to speak to the Woman Who Is Wearing Headphones.
They failed.
Remember the training and you may yet survive.
Remember what they told you.
You must be confident, relaxed and easygoing.
You must show no fear.
If you show fear, she will strike.
Speak calmly, they said.
Show confidence.
Do not blink.
If you blink, she will know.
If you blink, she will move from 1 to 1.5 meters away to much closer,
so close that you can hear the whisper of what is in her headphones.
That is much too close.You have no choice.
These are your instructions.You can talk to anyone, you tell yourself.
It is only a woman, you tell yourself.
But you know that it is not.
Women were something different.
Your comrade made the awful mistake of talking to the Woman Who Is Reading A Book On The Subway. You watched it happen.
He made her look up from the book and her basilisk eyes fell on him, unblinking, and he melted.
You still remember the screams.
They were so horrible that the city lay awake for days trying to forget them.You do not know how it happened.
But the women who stood there politely and were receptacles for your words are gone.
They once smiled politely and they laughed even and sometimes they would make a spark with you.
But something changed in the air or perhaps the water and the women do not stand there and listen any longer.
The city is full of men who have been turned to stone.
You opened the door to your neighbor’s apartment and there was a
startled deer standing inside wearing a college sweatshirt. You think it
used to be your neighbor but you are not certain.
You have changed your route to work so that you do not have to pass the stone men with their open, screaming mouths.Yesterday half your comrades were ordered to shout “Smile!” at the Woman Who Is Walking.
And the woman did. Too wide.
So wide that her mouth engulfed the street and became a vast cavern.
Six of your friends were devoured.
You could hear the unladylike slurping sounds from blocks away as you
beat a hasty retreat between the Scylla of the Woman Who Has Put Her Bag
Next To Her On A Bar Stool and the Charybdis of the Woman Who Is Just
Jogging.
You did not attempt to speak to either of them.
They passed you.
You were left unscathed.But that was before they came to your apartment and gave you the orders.
So here you are.
It has come to this.You are about to talk to the Woman in Headphones.
My God, I pity you.
You are close now. Almost in range.
Before The Woman and behind her the ground is littered with shoes and hats and pick-up manuals and AXE body spray.
She sits patiently gnawing on a thigh bone.
You do not think she is single or looking.
You cannot make out the words she is listening to.You know how this will go.
You know what the headphones mean.
You know what will happen when you ask her to remove the headphones.[source]
Meg's Mumbles 