Tag: abuse tw

Never forget how to be angry. Never.

See, the thing is, I had. I really, truly had. I wasn’t originally planning on doing a response to this, even though I appreciate the support greatly, but I decided to because this needs to be said.

The thing is, it’s frighteningly easy to forget that you have a right to be angry. It starts with a simple phrase, and that phrase is, “I can’t afford to feel this right now.” It starts with the understanding that expressing your anger is just going to get you hurt, and it continues when you start telling yourself that your reaction was overblown – that you had no right to react the way you did, essentially. That even though someone did something shitty to you, they had their reasons, as if that somehow makes their behavior ok, because it has to be ok, because fuck, who else have you got that even pretends to give a shit about you? It continues when “I can’t afford to feel this right now” becomes “I shouldn’t be feeling this at all.” It continues when the people around you validate that feeling instead of telling you you have a right to not be ok with what someone’s done to you – instead of acknowledging the shitty behavior and ensuring the person responsible experiences some kind of consequence from someone other than the person they’ve hurt. It continues when you start hearing, “but they’re family!” as if being related to someone negates the fact that they’re a shitty human being. It continues with being hushed, and silenced, and told to calm down, and generally refused any kind of expression of your pain with the people you’re supposed to be able to trust. 

What I’m saying, Anon, is that holding onto anger can be a difficult proposition under the right circumstances and it’s super important to be there for people when they tell you that someone’s done something terrible to them or help them find someone who can be there for them if you can’t do it yourself. It’s important to let them have their rage, because otherwise they wind up, like me, forgetting that there are options other than knuckling under and taking people’s shit because they’ve been required to do so far, far too often. 

swevani:

petition to stop calling it “conversion therapy” and start calling it “forcible brainwashing via torture and violent long-term abuse” cause i get the feeling that makes it an eensy teensy bit less tasteful for people like mike pence to support

micdotcom:

Being bullied as a kid has the same lasting effects as severe physical or sexual abuse

A new study published in the journal Social Psychology of Education surveyed 480 college students on their exposure to traumatic events as children. Of the surveyed students, those who were bullied as kids had more mental health issues than their peers. Bullying was a stronger predictor of PTSD symptoms than abuse by adults or exposure to neighborhood violence, according to the study. And one gender is more at risk of lingering effects.

On Thomas and his Bethlem experiences

shirogiku:

dreamingpagan:

shirogiku:

dreamingpagan:

shirogiku:

I don’t know what it is about Thomas that makes me go aww, I wish you were my OC, bb, so nb else would hurt you!!! lmao, I’m not usually like this, but anyway, I keep seeing that the prevalent opinion of his Bedlam experiences is that he was flogged bc flogging is the ultimate awful 18th century shit or smth. A book on 18th century pornography says that yes, the 18th century English were even more obsessed with flogging than an average fandom person (it was supposd to LOL cure impotency, among other things!), but:

and

The Physician in his exact time was a Dr. Tyson, but he is mentioned elsewhere also as not a famous flogger.

so while this (The History of Bedlam, Andrews) is just one source and I in no way have a time machine, I like to think that the place wasn’t Game of Thrones brutal, but realistically brutal:

and for me, realistic brutality is not that he was beaten or physically abused beyond the chains and the dark (YES OFC AWFUL AND HUMILIATING) – it was that he was finally treated as a literal madman, after decades of being too ahead of his time. It was more a mad wife in the attic situation than torture porn. Because the opposite, imho, feels like a disservice to his character. But I think the show did well not showing us anything after he is taken away.

Another argument against direct physical abuse is that his body doesn’t belong to him again – it belongs to his father. Alfred would’ve wanted him made obedient, but he wouldn’t have wanted his own flesh and blood abused by third parties. Flogging scars are like slave brands – and you bet Alfred didn’t actually want him marked up, bc why waste a heir before you try to “reform” him? also, servants would talk.

I’m absolutely not attacking anyone, I just felt the sudden and uncontrollable need to justify my own headcanons to myself 🙂

If we want to be historically accurate, there’s no need for flogging in order for Terrible Things to Happen ™.  Some of the favored “treatments” of the time included baths so cold the patient’s extremities would go numb, bleeding, purges of the intestinal tract, and physical isolation. Patients were definitely chained if and when they proved uncontrollable, and there was little in the way of sanitation (backed up sewers, flea-infested straw on the floors, lack of decent clothing/clean clothing). There was also a lack of decent food/enough food for those patients not being regularly supplied by family members/their local parish. Patients were, in fact, turned away if it was felt they couldn’t physically handle the treatment they would be undergoing and some did die of it, it was that severe. If you want historically accurate mistreatment, there’s plenty of material to be had without using flogging. Of course, even the source quoted above admits that what was recommended and what actually happened may have been two separate things, given the several times that staff were investigated for using excessive force and the couple of literary references we have that claim that beatings were in fact a thing, even if they were in no way condoned by the Governors or the head physician at the time. I also tend to side-eye the official court findings of the time, given the prevalent tendency (even today) to disregard the mentally ill when they tell someone they’re being abused.

I’m really glad you reblogged this/started this convo bc I ofc forgot to put the right trigger warnings! (or any) /sigh

anyway, I don’t want to add historically innacurate abuse when there is already plenty of confirmed one BUT

I also don’t want to describe any of it ‘on screen’. I’ve recently seen a great meta on the movie Fury Road, where the OP pointed out how we’re shown the women dealing with abuse consequences and surviving. So I  want to show the psychological consequences of chains & lack of sanitation & cold baths &….

without writing any graphic flashbacks! This is the tricky part for me. So far I’ve avoided writing anything like this but I don’t want to completely ignore it either. I’m still trying to find the plausible balance. And in the end, emotionally satisfying reading >>> accuracy for me BUT I also can’t handle glaring errors, esp when they add torture to torture scenarios

Makes sense now? 🙂

Oh yeah, absolutely. Sorry if that came across as a pitch for on-screen abuse – it definitely wasn’t meant to be since, as you said, when it comes to Thomas, it’s a case of no, not my baby. Sorry, I’m kind of working on a mini-sequel to CfS, so I’m tossing around my own headcanons re: Bethlem and trying to work in what I want to do with historical accuracy. 

oh, a sequel sounds great! looking forward to it 😀 So yeah we’re having same kind of woes 😀 I’m trying to balance out what I want to write without going Disney by accident so that was the main source of my frustration in the end, together with the wild urge to give Thomas ALL the blankets!

Thanks! It kind of hit me out of nowhere, mental images and all. I will say this – as a character, Thomas Hamilton has got a mind of his own and he’s stubborn as anything.

On Thomas and his Bethlem experiences

shirogiku:

dreamingpagan:

shirogiku:

I don’t know what it is about Thomas that makes me go aww, I wish you were my OC, bb, so nb else would hurt you!!! lmao, I’m not usually like this, but anyway, I keep seeing that the prevalent opinion of his Bedlam experiences is that he was flogged bc flogging is the ultimate awful 18th century shit or smth. A book on 18th century pornography says that yes, the 18th century English were even more obsessed with flogging than an average fandom person (it was supposd to LOL cure impotency, among other things!), but:

and

The Physician in his exact time was a Dr. Tyson, but he is mentioned elsewhere also as not a famous flogger.

so while this (The History of Bedlam, Andrews) is just one source and I in no way have a time machine, I like to think that the place wasn’t Game of Thrones brutal, but realistically brutal:

and for me, realistic brutality is not that he was beaten or physically abused beyond the chains and the dark (YES OFC AWFUL AND HUMILIATING) – it was that he was finally treated as a literal madman, after decades of being too ahead of his time. It was more a mad wife in the attic situation than torture porn. Because the opposite, imho, feels like a disservice to his character. But I think the show did well not showing us anything after he is taken away.

Another argument against direct physical abuse is that his body doesn’t belong to him again – it belongs to his father. Alfred would’ve wanted him made obedient, but he wouldn’t have wanted his own flesh and blood abused by third parties. Flogging scars are like slave brands – and you bet Alfred didn’t actually want him marked up, bc why waste a heir before you try to “reform” him? also, servants would talk.

I’m absolutely not attacking anyone, I just felt the sudden and uncontrollable need to justify my own headcanons to myself 🙂

If we want to be historically accurate, there’s no need for flogging in order for Terrible Things to Happen ™.  Some of the favored “treatments” of the time included baths so cold the patient’s extremities would go numb, bleeding, purges of the intestinal tract, and physical isolation. Patients were definitely chained if and when they proved uncontrollable, and there was little in the way of sanitation (backed up sewers, flea-infested straw on the floors, lack of decent clothing/clean clothing). There was also a lack of decent food/enough food for those patients not being regularly supplied by family members/their local parish. Patients were, in fact, turned away if it was felt they couldn’t physically handle the treatment they would be undergoing and some did die of it, it was that severe. If you want historically accurate mistreatment, there’s plenty of material to be had without using flogging. Of course, even the source quoted above admits that what was recommended and what actually happened may have been two separate things, given the several times that staff were investigated for using excessive force and the couple of literary references we have that claim that beatings were in fact a thing, even if they were in no way condoned by the Governors or the head physician at the time. I also tend to side-eye the official court findings of the time, given the prevalent tendency (even today) to disregard the mentally ill when they tell someone they’re being abused.

I’m really glad you reblogged this/started this convo bc I ofc forgot to put the right trigger warnings! (or any) /sigh

anyway, I don’t want to add historically innacurate abuse when there is already plenty of confirmed one BUT

I also don’t want to describe any of it ‘on screen’. I’ve recently seen a great meta on the movie Fury Road, where the OP pointed out how we’re shown the women dealing with abuse consequences and surviving. So I  want to show the psychological consequences of chains & lack of sanitation & cold baths &….

without writing any graphic flashbacks! This is the tricky part for me. So far I’ve avoided writing anything like this but I don’t want to completely ignore it either. I’m still trying to find the plausible balance. And in the end, emotionally satisfying reading >>> accuracy for me BUT I also can’t handle glaring errors, esp when they add torture to torture scenarios

Makes sense now? 🙂

Oh yeah, absolutely. Sorry if that came across as a pitch for on-screen abuse – it definitely wasn’t meant to be since, as you said, when it comes to Thomas, it’s a case of no, not my baby. Sorry, I’m kind of working on a mini-sequel to CfS, so I’m tossing around my own headcanons re: Bethlem and trying to work in what I want to do with historical accuracy. 

On Thomas and his Bethlem experiences

shirogiku:

I don’t know what it is about Thomas that makes me go aww, I wish you were my OC, bb, so nb else would hurt you!!! lmao, I’m not usually like this, but anyway, I keep seeing that the prevalent opinion of his Bedlam experiences is that he was flogged bc flogging is the ultimate awful 18th century shit or smth. A book on 18th century pornography says that yes, the 18th century English were even more obsessed with flogging than an average fandom person (it was supposd to LOL cure impotency, among other things!), but:

and

The Physician in his exact time was a Dr. Tyson, but he is mentioned elsewhere also as not a famous flogger.

so while this (The History of Bedlam, Andrews) is just one source and I in no way have a time machine, I like to think that the place wasn’t Game of Thrones brutal, but realistically brutal:

and for me, realistic brutality is not that he was beaten or physically abused beyond the chains and the dark (YES OFC AWFUL AND HUMILIATING) – it was that he was finally treated as a literal madman, after decades of being too ahead of his time. It was more a mad wife in the attic situation than torture porn. Because the opposite, imho, feels like a disservice to his character. But I think the show did well not showing us anything after he is taken away.

Another argument against direct physical abuse is that his body doesn’t belong to him again – it belongs to his father. Alfred would’ve wanted him made obedient, but he wouldn’t have wanted his own flesh and blood abused by third parties. Flogging scars are like slave brands – and you bet Alfred didn’t actually want him marked up, bc why waste a heir before you try to “reform” him? also, servants would talk.

I’m absolutely not attacking anyone, I just felt the sudden and uncontrollable need to justify my own headcanons to myself 🙂

If we want to be historically accurate, there’s no need for flogging in order for Terrible Things to Happen ™.  Some of the favored “treatments” of the time included baths so cold the patient’s extremities would go numb, bleeding, purges of the intestinal tract, and physical isolation. Patients were definitely chained if and when they proved uncontrollable, and there was little in the way of sanitation (backed up sewers, flea-infested straw on the floors, lack of decent clothing/clean clothing). There was also a lack of decent food/enough food for those patients not being regularly supplied by family members/their local parish. Patients were, in fact, turned away if it was felt they couldn’t physically handle the treatment they would be undergoing and some did die of it, it was that severe. If you want historically accurate mistreatment, there’s plenty of material to be had without using flogging. Of course, even the source quoted above admits that what was recommended and what actually happened may have been two separate things, given the several times that staff were investigated for using excessive force and the couple of literary references we have that claim that beatings were in fact a thing, even if they were in no way condoned by the Governors or the head physician at the time. I also tend to side-eye the official court findings of the time, given the prevalent tendency (even today) to disregard the mentally ill when they tell someone they’re being abused.

shinycat69:

autismserenity:

bittersnurr:

star-anise:

lachesismeg:

strawberryspoop:

Viciously destroy the idea that bullying is a normal part of growing up.

This is so hard for me as a parent to deal with, from both sides.

Like it brings up all of my issues, and I so want my kid to not have to deal with bullying.  And I have no idea how to do that.

I’ll repeat something I’ve said before:

I was doing my Master’s thesis on bullying until the topic triggered me back to my own childhood so badly I dropped out of that degree program.  Let me share something I know.

We haven’t quite found anti-bullying programs that stop bullying once it’s started, but we canreduce the harm bullying does.  Just a few small changes to classroom culture, like limiting children’s opportunities to exclude each other, or spending time talking about respectful communication, has visible changes.  Yeah, there’s still a hierarchy of popularity, but kids at the bottom of the ladder go from having no friends on average to having one or two.  And that’s enough to make or break a childhood.  (Sources: one two three four five)

But here’s the other thing.

There is one major factor that mediates the link between childhood bullying and adult mental illnesses (predominantly depression, anxiety, and eating disorders).  It’s self-blame.

What really damages children isn’t precisely being bullied; it’s believing that they deserve to be bullied. If children don’t blame themselves for being victims, they are much more resilient and experience fewer long-term negative consequences. (Sources: one two three four five)

Society blames children for their victimization by bullies all the time.  It says, “There is something about you that causes people to bully you.“  Common responses to bullied kids are things like: “Don’t give them a reaction.” (They’re bullying you because you get upset.)  “They’re just jealous.” (They’re bullying you because you do well.)  “Let’s teach you some social skills.”  (They’re bullying you because you act weird.)

If we can just change that one thing, we could prevent a lot of damage.  What bullied kids desperately need at the very least is a caring community that says: You are not alone.  It’s not your fault.  What they’re doing is not okay.

Also extra horrible: if you get counseling for being bullied a lot of the time it is “identifying what rhing about you is causing people to bully you”. In other words, even the “help” you get us often blaming the victim for being bullied and framing is as your fault, even though ime even if you stop doing the thing you get bullied for the bullies won’t acknowledge it. I got bullied over stuff from third grade until I dropped out of school in 10th.

And that’s not even accounting for the fact sometimes bullying is things that end in ism and there is absolutely nothing you can do as you’re being blamed for your own marginalization.

Bullying is emotional abuse. 

There is nothing that can ever make you deserve emotional abuse. 

Telling people, directly or through your actions, that they’re at fault for being abused is, again, emotional abuse. 

Mom was a big fan of “If you stop reacting, they’ll stop teasing you.” It’s left me with a crippling fear of conflict to this day. I graduated high school 20 years ago.

I graduated high school ten years ago this year. I have recently realized that half the reason I have never been in a relationship of any kind is that as a kid, bullies at school convinced me that I am not attractive. They managed to convince me that a. I don’t deserve that kind of attention and b. that kind of attention directed at me by anyone is a cruel joke. It is the reason that you have to hit me over the head with a clue by four before I will realize that anyone is checking me out. I am oblivious, because I learned to be, because of bullying. As such, I have never learned to catch anyone’s eye, to flirt back, to pay attention. I am probably going to wind up a spinster with too many cats because I was bullied into believing that no one could find me beautiful. Don’t tell me that’s normal, or that there’s anything I could have done to stop it – believe me, I tried all the so-called tricks. 

animatorzee:

People will tell you that emotional abuse isn’t real and what you’re dealing with isn’t that big a deal and you’re just exaggerating, but let me tell you something.

If you’ve ever been wary of everyone you know, even people you trust, because you’re expecting them to get angry with you over literally anything, make fun of you, or start making threats, something’s wrong.

If you’ve ever had to plan things in anticipation of a potential tantrum that you fear will be taken out on you, something’s wrong.

If you succumb to someone’s demands because you’re never sure if their threats are empty or legit and you just want to play it on the safe side, something’s wrong.

If you find yourself jumping at smaller noises in anticipation that they’re a warning sign for a tantrum, something’s wrong.

If you hide things – especially things that make you happy – because you’re so afraid that they’ll make fun of you for liking them, scold you for liking something they don’t, take them away, destroy them, or that they’ll defile them and ruin that love you have for them, something’s wrong.

If you find yourself being silent in the face of mild disagreements or thinly-veiled insults, rather than standing up for yourself because you just don’t want to start an argument and make things worse, something’s wrong.

If that very lack of standing up for yourself eventually leads to you never offering your opinion in any sort of discussion out of fear of ridicule or being scolded because that’s what you’re so used to, something’s wrong.

If you end up spending a lot of your time in your room keeping to yourself and keeping any trip outside of your room to an absolute minimum because you don’t want to risk putting one toe out of line and setting off a tantrum, yet you’re also aware that hiding out will also cause an issue and you’re probably just minimizing the risk instead of erasing it entirely, something’s wrong.

If you ever habitually glance outside the window to keep watch for your supposed abuser’s car to return from their work, errand or trip, and then heading to your room or other hiding place to keep out of their way, erasing any obvious signs that you’ve been out and about in the rest of your living space, something’s wrong.

If one of your greatest fantasies involves not a dream career or winning the lottery but instead an escape plan succeeding, something’s wrong.

If you could basically summarize your life as living in constant, subtle fear, Something. Is. Wrong.

Emotional abuse is very, very real, and it has lasting consequences that can affect people’s relationships, their jobs, and their lives all-around.

Don’t you dare tell me it isn’t real.

Things only bullied kids will understand

amuseoffyre:

rufeepeach:

queen-squids:

leigh-daniel-sexbang:

pro-punk-anti-sjw:

-Beliving that none of your friends actually want to be your friend and they hate being near you
-Hating normal things because they were used to mock you
-Having to seek constant validation for your existance
-Remembering particular insults you’ve been called for years and will probably never forget them
-Beliving you’re too ugly for anyone to ever love
-Not wanting to go to a new school/further education because you know the same thing will happen there
-Having your parents tell you that you’re only being ‘teased’
-Having people wash their hands in disgust if they accidentally touch you.

Remember, you don’t have to feel all of these to understand

-Having people say you like someone as a way to gross that someone out
-Never quite trusting anyone.
-Having people ask you out as a dare
-”They’re only making fun of you ‘cause they’re jealous!”
-”He’s only mean to you ‘cause he’s got a crush on you!”
-Having to deal with bullshit ‘zero tolerance’ policies

-being told you’ll be happy in college only to discover that people don’t change
-believing that if you’re not way more successful and happier than everyone who ever bullied you then you’re worthless and they’ve won
-constantly evaluating yourself looking for the thing that made the abuse happen and falling into a spiral of self-loathing
-never quite being able to believe you didn’t deserve it somehow
-constantly expecting it to happen again and so never properly relaxing into any situation

– being told that you’re imagining it, that those people are really nice
– being expected to respect your bullies by everyone because of their social position
– being invited to join a group only to be the target of their insults and mockery
– having half-chewed food rubbed in your hair and juice poured into your bags
– waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting for it all to happen again and inevitably driving people away because you are too paranoid and wary

 – being spit on

 – never noticing when people are checking you out because you learned to tune out the snickers and the faces and the looks of people who called you ugly or worse

 – being expected to report those bullies by teachers and administrators who didn’t understand that reporting would only gain you hate from even more people

 – flinching away from unexpected touch because it was never, never a good thing when someone got that close to you.

 – not being able to reminisce about high school shenanigans because you don’t have those kind of memories

 – becoming forgettable – walking with hunched shoulders, eyes down, invisible, you don’t see me, I’m not here, there’s nothing here to go after, until people do genuinely start to overlook you, to look past you

 – or, alternatively, scaring people, because you’ve developed a hard-eyed, don’t fuck with me I’ll fuck with you right back stare and a walk that promises death until you can’t shake it, can’t stop making yourself too frightening to approach, to hurt.