opentheyear:

jadelyn:

I was musing on the everyday passive-aggression of business emails at work the other day after a particularly pissy back-and-forth with my least favorite coworker, in which we basically told each other to fuck off in plain view of both our bosses (who were cc’d on the whole thing), but because we did it in professional language we can get away with that. So, I decided to make a list of the most common code-words and phrases and what they really mean, for anyone entering their first white-collar business environment who might want help translating or need to know how to deliver a polite, professional “fuck you”.

• “I’d just like to get some clarity on this/can you clarify for me” = what the fuck are you talking about/what the fuck did you do?
• “Let’s discuss next steps” = get off your ass and make it happen you lazy shitwad.
• “Thanks for following up with me about this” = I’m busy and I’ll get to you when I have a moment. Quit fucking riding my ass.
• “If you need it sooner than that” = I have my own work to do; do it your damn self if it’s that urgent.
• “What’s our timeline on this?” = I have no intention of doing that for you right now. How long can I put it off?
• “It’s going to be challenging, but…” = do you have any fucking idea what you’re asking me to do?
• “I see where you’re coming from” = you are so fucking wrong
• “Would you like to take the lead on this?” = this is not my problem and I refuse to clean up your mess.
• “Maybe we could schedule some time to discuss this over the phone” = stop avoiding me and answer the fucking question, asshole
• “[Someone on the CC line of the email], please feel free to weigh in!” = I don’t have the authority to tell this shithead how wrong they are. Kindly step up and do it for me.
• “It was my understanding that” = we’ve already had this conversation, please shut the fuck up
• “Please reach out to [person]” = I’m tired of hearing you whine about this, go pester someone else for awhile.

Also, “I’ve got a lot on my plate this week” = I am way too busy to deal with this nonsense.