apply for jobs you’re not qualified for! audit upper-level classes! get drunk with your TAs! see that poster advertising that lecture series? go there take notes and ask questions! thank the presenter for talking about this topic you love! if the class is full before you register, email the professor and ask if they can squeeze you in! RAISE YOUR HAND! tell the disability accomodation office to do their goddamn job! ask for help! file complaints! go to class in your pajamas and destroy the reading! you got this! you KNOW you got this! be arrogant enough to learn EVERYTHING! take your meds! punch a velociraptor in the dick! fear is useless and temporary! glory is forever! shed your skin and erupt angel wings! help out! spread your sun!
i had a really good morning! you deserve a really good morning! kill anyone who says you don’t and build a throne from their bones!
“James,” Miranda says in a strangled tone, “you need to come to your cabin. Now. Right now.”
“Miranda – what the hell do you think you’re doing? The crew are restless enough as it is – if they think I’m doing any of this at your direction -”
“James, I do not ask much of you, but on this one occasion, I’m going to have to ask you to stop talking and just – just come with me. Please,” she repeats. “I think – I’m afraid I may have lost my mind.”
Her face is white, James sees suddenly. Utterly pale, and her hands shake. Her mouth is pressed in a tight line – she darts a glance at Abigail, still writing on deck, and then back to him, and –
He does not think he has ever seen her look so frightened – save, perhaps, for the first time he had come home with an infected wound, all but delirious, and even that is a hazy memory now, eight years on.
“Miranda, what the hell’s going on?” he asks, taking hold of her elbow and turning her away from the watching eyes of his crew. “What’s happened?”
She does not answer – only shakes her head, still tight-lipped, and he is startled again to realize that she is attempting to hold back tears, her chin not quite wobbling but held in that way he knows she does when she is attempting not to weep, and he hates that he has driven her to that point so often that he knows just by looking at her.
“Alright,” he says. “I’m coming. Mr. Scott!”
Eleanor’s former advisor turns, and James meets his gaze squarely.
“I’m needed in my cabin, it seems. See to it that the provisions are stowed in the hold and the men are told to hold her closer to the wind once we’ve cleared the bay – we’ve got the luxury of a fore-and-aft rig on the mizzen, I intend to make use of it.”
“Yes, Captain.”
He heeds Miranda’s insistent tug at his elbow, and turns back toward his cabin, moving swiftly now. They do not speak again – he knows Miranda will not welcome questions, not until they are in private, not until –
The door creaks closed behind them, and he turns to her.
“What’s all this about?” he asks. “You’ve got my attention, if that’s what you were after. We both know you’re no more insane than anyone on this island, so what -?”
Miranda swallows hard.
“James,” she says, “look around this cabin, and tell me – tell me truly – if you see nothing amiss.”
James frowns. This is not like Miranda. This is not the level-headed woman he has come to know over the past ten years, and if she is truly this shaken –
He allows his gaze to roam the cabin. Everything seems to be in its place. The desk is still in the center of the room, the books on their shelves – there is no extra table, here, and for a moment he feels again the stab of agony that comes with the realization that he does not need the extra furniture – not anymore. There will never be another Hal – if he plays his cards right on this voyage, there will never be another quartermaster, period. Dufresne, it seems, did as James asked before he fucked off for parts unknown – there are hammocks everywhere, and –
And in one of them, a man is sleeping, and James feels his heart stop in his chest, because –
“You see him,” Miranda says, her tone uncertain. “Don’t you? I cannot be the only one -”
“You’re not,” James croaks, and then feels anger fill him. “You’re not,” he repeats, “and he’s not. Thomas is gone, Miranda, you know that, I know that, there’s no need for -”
He’s been moving forward the entire time he’s been speaking. Whoever is in his hammock at this time of the day is about to get a rude awakening. He’s not certain which of the vanguard has the same sandy-colored hair, the same build, the same slope to his shoulders as Thomas, but James is very sure that man will be part of the vanguard no longer once he’s through with him, because this is not the time to be sleeping, and he won’t fight alongside a man who reminds him so much of – Thomas –
He cannot help the strangled keening noise that escapes him, or the way that his knees go weak, or the way that his hand reaches out to catch himself on the hammock as he falls toward the floor, disturbing the man in the hammock unceremoniously. He cannot help any of it, because the man lying there and now waking, flailing slightly as the hammock tips, is –
“Thomas,” Miranda whispers. “Thomas -”
Thomas sits up in the hammock, and looks about him – and sees James on the floor. He sees Miranda standing, frozen, just inside the doorway –
“James,” Thomas utters, and then he is scrambling out of the hammock, dropping to his knees, throwing his arms around James, who clings – clings because there is nothing else he can do, nothing else he can say, even. He is crying – there are tears running down his cheeks and he is sobbing, and he does not care, because here in front of him, clinging to him like a limpet in turn, is his Thomas. His face is bearded and his hands are rough but he is here, alive. Alive, not dead. Not driven to despair – not tormented and cold and alone –
“Move over,” Miranda orders, and then James is making room in his embrace, one hand still firmly clasped at the back of Thomas’ head and the other now wrapping around Miranda, who kneels on the floor next to them, and James is suddenly, bizarrely reminded of the few weddings he has been to – or perhaps of kneeling for communion, and it does not matter which it is, because he is home.
“You were dead,” he gasps, meeting Thomas’ gaze. “You were dead. Ashe – Peter Ashe, he told us -”
“He lied,” Thomas says firmly. “I have so much to tell you – I was so afraid you would sail before I could find you.” His hand tightens around James’ waist, and he pulls them both closer again. He is shaking, James realizes – with relief, or joy, or both, he is not certain.
“Does anyone know you’re here?” James asks, and Thomas shakes his head.
“No. Or – well, I suppose your quartermaster might recall, when he is -”
A knock sounds on the door – frantic, urgent, and James looks up.
“You stowed away,” he says incredulously, and Thomas’ cheeks color.
“I seem to have become quite adept at it,” he confesses. “You won’t believe what I had to do to get here.”
“Mr. Scott,” James calls, and the knocking stops.
“Captain?” Scott’s voice sounds from beyond the door, and James does not think he is imagining the wince in it, or the note of confusion.
“Tell the men I’m not to be disturbed for the next half day – and alter our course. We’re heading -”
“No we’re not.” Miranda has finally found her voice again. “No. I will see him answer for this. I will see him pay -”
Thomas’ hand comes to rest against her face. He reaches over, and draws his wife in for a gentle kiss to her forehead, his gaze serious.
“We all will,” he says. “I think it’s time we had a chat, Peter and I – a proper chat, and this time I don’t intend to be chained for it.”
His heart, he thinks, might just stop. His stomach is doing flips, because Thomas is here, and talking, and right now, he could propose they march into hell and James would agree and kiss him for suggesting it – for the mere fact that he is there to suggest it. By comparison, this seems positively reasonable.
“No alteration to our course,” he orders, his voice hoarse. “Let the first request stand.”
“Are you – alright?” Scott asks hesitantly. “If you need assistance -”
“If any of you try to assist me or rescue me, I’ll keelhaul you myself,” James snaps, and sees Thomas’ eyebrows shoot upward toward his hairline. “Just – leave us, please, Mr. Scott,” he requests, and hears the other man’s footsteps retreat from the door. He turns his attention back to Thomas. He’s thought, now, about kissing him, and he intends to follow through.
“Hello, love,” Thomas says softly, and kisses him, and James allows any other worries to melt away for the moment. They can all wait.
Bonus Epilogue:
If he never, ever hears the sound of a cicada ever again, it will be too soon.
In the ten years he has been enslaved or imprisoned, Thomas Hamilton has developed a healthy hatred for insects of all kinds. He is not enamored of their singing – still less of their tendency to bite or sting him, and he cannot wait for the day that he moves somewhere he will never again hear the particular species native to the Carolina colony. This day, he hopes, will bring him closer to that goal. It will, at least provide closure of a sort. He has a bone to pick with Peter Ashe.
“His Lordship is not expecting you,” the officious little man at the gate says, surprise clear on his face. Thomas fights against the sudden urge to snap at him. It is not this man’s fault that his master is a vile, wretched excuse for a man, nor can he help that James’ appearance seems to terrify him. His lover appears to have that effect on people now – Thomas cannot imagine why, as the earring he wears is quite dashing and his clothing not all that outlandish, but he is not above benefiting from it.
“Tell the Lord Governor that Lady Hamilton and James McGraw are here to see him,” Thomas instructs. “He will know my two companions, I have no doubt.”
“And yourself, sir?” the nervous man asks. “How shall I announce…?”
Thomas smiles tightly – dangerously.
“Tell him,” he says slowly, deliberately, still smiling pleasantly, “that Mad Tom of Bedlam would quite like a word.”
HARRIET TUBMAN ESCAPED FROM SLAVERY AND THEN WENT BACK TO GET OTHERS. LIKE, I KNOW YOU KNOW WHO HARRIET TUBMAN IS AND THAT SHE DID THAT, BUT I JUST WANT YOU TO TAKE THAT IN FOR A SECOND.
HARRIET TUBMAN WAS HELD CAPTIVE AND BOUND TO UNPAID, BACK-BREAKING LABOR SINCE BIRTH UNDER PENALTY OF TORTURE OR DEATH. SHE MANAGED TO ESCAPE THAT LIFE, AND SHE TURNED THE FUCK AROUND AND WENT THE FUCK BACK TO GET EVERYONE ELSE WHO WAS STILL TRAPPED IN IT. AND THEN SHE DID IT AGAIN EIGHTEEN MORE TIMES.
WHEN ABRAHAM LINCOLN WAS UNSURE WHETHER OR NOT HE WAS PREPARED TO MAKE A STAND AGAINST SLAVERY, HARRIET TUBMAN BASICALLY SAID HE SHOULD STOP BEING SUCH A DIAPER BABY AND THAT GUYS WHO ARE TOO SCARED TO END SLAVERY DON’T DESERVE TO WIN WARS.
NOT ONLY DID SHE SECRET OVER 300 SLAVES TO FREEDOM ON THE UNDERGROUND RAILROAD, BUT SHE ACTED AS A SPY FOR THE UNION ARMY DURING THE CIVIL WAR, AND BECAME THE FIRST WOMAN TO LEAD AN ARMED ASSAULT IN THE CIVIL WAR. THAT RAID BROUGHT FREEDOM TO OVER 700 SLAVES IN ONE GO.
SO I JUST WANT YOU TO STEW ON THAT FOR LIKE A MINUTE. ACTING IN THE SHADOWS, SHE WALKED INTO HELL ON EARTH 19 TIMES TO SAVE HER FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS FROM THE TORMENT SHE ENDURED, AND THE SECOND SHE WAS GIVEN EVEN A MODICUM OF POWER, SHE MANAGED TO FREE SEVEN HUNDRED SLAVES IN ONE DAY.
I GUARANTEE, HOWEVER IMPRESSED YOU ALREADY ARE WITH HARRIET TUBMAN, YOU ARE FALLING LIKE AT LEAST 40% SHORT OF HOW IMPRESSED YOU SHOULD BE WITH HARRIET TUBMAN. SHE IS ONE OF THE BEST EXAMPLES OF BADASSERY IN THE ENTIRETY OF AMERICAN HISTORY.
I just feel like it should be noted that she navigated her way across the Underground Railroad (through thicket and swamp and forest and every risk of wildlife you could imagine) with her own knowledge of the natural world. Some call her “the first Eco-womanist” because it was that understanding of the plant and animal life around her as well as knowledge of the stars that allowed her to bring people with her. Her prowess for dealing with immense problems and obstacles on the spot was nothing short of genius.
She didn’t stop there, either. Harriet Tubman also worked with the Union army during the Civil War as a cook, nurse, scout, and spy. She organized black men in the area as scouts, and often led missions herself with the task of gathering information and to persuade slaves to leave; most of whom joined the regiments of black soldiers for the Union.
She also got ripped off by the government, who wasn’t paying her what she deserved (and wouldn’t even give her her pension after the war for her service- but instead eventually granted her pension as the widow of a veteran), so she supported herself by making and selling root beer.
She used her earnings to support free black women, she worked to support two schools for freed men in the south, she provided food and care to the black people that came to her home, and she fought for women’s suffrage. When she died, she was buried with military honors.
Oh, and when she had brain surgery, she denied anesthesia and instead bit down on a bullet.
THESE ARE EVEN MORE AWESOME THINGS ABOUT HARRIET TUBMAN, GOOD ADDITIONS, YOU GUYS!!
Also worth noting that she did all this while living with the results of a traumatic head injury sustained in her childhood, which included pain, bouts of dizziness, and episodes of hypersomnia (sudden passing out)
she was not just a badass, she was a disabled badass
That head injury was from when she was trying to save someone else, too. A boy was in trouble with their slave master and the master threw a weight at him, but she jumped in front of him and took the blow. She then suffered from narcolepsy the rest of her life. Also, a cool story about her: One time she was riding on a train, lightly disguised so as to hopefully not be recognized, and there was a ‘WANTED’ poster of her on the train wall. Some guys were looking at it and she overheard them saying they thought she looked like the woman on the poster. Because the poster described that she was illiterate, she grabbed a book and pretended to read it. The men then said it couldn’t be her, and she got off the train safely. She was literally such a smart, quick thinker. I can’t wait to have her on American money!
Black women are amazing. Seriously. You guys deserve so much more than the shit you get today. Harriet Tubman deserves every spot previously occupied by racist white men.
They’ve cast Cynthia Erivo to play her, who is not only an incedibly talented actress with a Tony for her performance in The Colour Purple, but an athlete too.
She looks PERFECT for the part I can’t. fucking. wait.
When I complain about being a ‘gifted’ kid who grew into a talentless adult I don’t mean that I’m not trying to work on my talents or anything
I mean that the ‘gifts’ I had are useless
Reading books above my age isn’t a talent when I’m not eleven
Knowing big words isn’t a talent when I’m not a kid, it’s just growing up
It’s just a weird thing that happens and it feels shitty when you’re brought up being told you’re an exceptional child only to realise as an adult you’re just average
This
I did a lot of reading about gifted kids and especially gifted adults when I got my “diagnosis” because I was told I was gifted at 23 and well, it serves no purpose to have a confirmation that you’re gifted at 23
Thing is, gifted children are not amazingly better than everyone else. Gifted brains just don’t work the same so they build their skills in a different order
Basically when you’re very young, most people brain learn social skills and how to interact with their peers, but gifted brains are already at the next step which is how to understand and interact with the world
That makes the stereotypical young children that are very good at math, always asking questions about how things work, very upset when they don’t know a thing
But the thing is, when everyone gets older, they’ve mastered most social skills and now turn towards understanding the world
But the gifted children have already mastered that part and are turning towards how to build social skills. Except there’s no one left to teach us about that! Because we’re late to that party
Long story short, at the end everyone, gifted or not, goes through all the necessary steps to make functioning adults, so the difference that was obvious as a child has disappeared
But us gifted people often end up with social anxiety and impostor syndrome because we are actually less equipped than others to face a world that taught everyone to be confident and talk to people while we were busy reading books above our age
……………that last paragraph.
damn.
John Silver: you are not the villain you think I am. I am not him.
me, a queer nonconformist tired of the shame and the darkness: no you’re fucking not. You are not James Flint. You are the overriding hand of history telling us that we can only be ourselves in certain prearranged sequestered places. You are don’t ask don’t tell. You are “don’t shove it in our children’s faces”. You are shame and fear and disgust. So no, you are not him.