(even though i’m on anon, you can probably guess who this is as I’ve been going thru one of ur tags. if ur more comfortable talking off anon, i’ll message you privately) can an abuser not know that they’re being abusive? or not know that the way they’re treating you is manipulative/damaging?

It’s one hundred percent possible. In fact, I’d posit that the majority of abusers do not, in fact, understand what they’re doing to the people around them. You get the odd one that’s just a sadistic fuck, but for the most part? No, I don’t think they get it, or they wouldn’t be doing it. And it doesn’t matter one tiny bit if they know it or not – they’re still hurting people, and it still needs to stop.

It has taken me so many years to realize that, Anon. It doesn’t matter what happened to the person that abused me the most over the years that made them the way they are – or rather, it informs their decisions, but it doesn’t excuse them, and I need you and everyone else to remember that, because it’s waaaaay too easy to listen to society say “you should forgive them” and keep getting hurt, because you keep trying to find ways to sympathize with them. To empathize with them. To say, “it’s not their fault,” and miss the simple fact that what happened to them? 

It’s not your fault, either, and you shouldn’t be the one to pay the price.